I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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