Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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