someone threw a dead crab at me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
