I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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