i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
