Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
