Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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