why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
