I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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