Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
