I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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