I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
