i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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