Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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