If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
soo... how was my night?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
