he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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