just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
