We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
