WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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