I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
