Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
