she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
