u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
