My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he puts the penis in happiness.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
