just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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