wrigley field is MILF paradise
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
