There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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