when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
