you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
