i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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