need another drink. this is the easiest way
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
