Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
