This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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