My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
