im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
