Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
