I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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