I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
