quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
