mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
