Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
