Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
