literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
