ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you still have your period?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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