Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
