The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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