if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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