I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
