best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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