I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
