The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
