I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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