By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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