I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
