I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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