Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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