Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Never joke about your clitoris.
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