I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
