if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
