Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
