It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You are the jesus of drinking
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
