It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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